Healing is Not Linear Because Suffering Is Not a Straight Line
Seeking Shelter Vs Pushing Through Becomes an Easy Decision When...
Hello,
It’s Sunita here.
This was not the article I had planned to write this week.
I was excited to share a conversation with you that I recently heard between Guy Raz and Adam Grant because it highlighted a beautiful lesson a cake had taught me.
But I couldn’t. Because I think being vulnerable and sharing the following thoughts with you might be more impactful.
For a variety of reasons, last week was more challenging for me than I currently have a threshold for.
I did all the SLSCF (self love self care first) practices I know of. I worked through some very complex things with my therapist at my weekly session. I continued to process things in my head, and through conversations with my moat people.
I will explain what ‘moat people’ are in a coming article. We all need moat people!
With all these efforts, and an iron will to stay on the path of healing and growth, I managed to get myself a few good days last week full of optimism and productivity.
But come Monday evening, I was unable to mobilize myself.
This immobilization was nothing like I used to experience before my treatment for ACEs. Nor was it scary like it used to be. That previous scariness was due to not having the knowledge or awareness to connect the dots of my trauma in my early life to how I experienced life long after.
But the heaviness and darkness I felt a couple of days ago was real and debilitating.
My moat people gently encouraged me to go for a walk. Read a light book. Watch a movie. Go out to eat. But none of these reasonable suggestions sat right with me. So, I made a conscious decision to shelter myself.
Knowing when we need to shelter ourselves as opposed to push through a tough time is golden wisdom.
I gained this wisdom after years of, and ongoing efforts to understand my behaviors and patterns. I found the courage to truthfully look at myself only after I made a commitment to accept all of me. I don’t live up to that commitment all the time but have accepted my lapses to be part of the journey of being human.
So, back to sheltering myself. What does that mean?
That means I shut down altogether and just wait to feel better. I essentially stop.
I pray. I contemplate. I empty my mind. I move very little. I believe the melancholy/depression/sadness/grief/ will pass. I know I am okay. I trust I am doing what is best for me. I extend love and kindness to myself. I don’t talk down to myself. I don’t read. I just be.
The biggest challenge was to learn to not feel guilty about making the choice to shelter. Yes, I have done this before and know with some certainty that it will be a necessary choice for me again.
It’s painful but I have faith that there is a process going on inside me that will run it’s course after which I will feel repaired. (and maybe this process extends to dimensions outside me as well. I don’t know.)
To be able to shelter, I had to learn to ignore these voices. Some are in my head and others are opinions of others.
You are lazy. You are weak. Soldier through this. Just push through this. You can’t let it win. I know what you need. Just keep moving.
It was hard work to be able to answer these legitimate questions that would pop up in my head when I started to consider sheltering versus pushing through.
Are you trying to get away from real life? Is something bothering you that you want to avoid? Are you being lazy because you hate doing this/dealing with this? Are you going to lose your edge by not pushing through? Is all your work to reclaim yourself going to go to pot because you’re just stopping? Are you getting soft?
I mentally consider these questions and thoughts every time I shelter. It keeps me honest and on track to keep becoming who I know I am.
When the answer is no, I shelter without a second of hesitation.
This is what it looks like when I emerge.
Clarity. Peace. Confidence in myself. Strength. Calm.
I wish I had learnt early on that I had the choice to shelter, instead of pushing through. I wish I had the ability to look deep within myself and courageously ask for what I knew I needed. I wish I was taught to trust my instincts. I wish I was encouraged to be true to myself.
I can’t change that but I can, and have learnt to do all this as an adult.
And now I share these truths with you in the hope that they will be useful to you in your lives.
After reading this blog, maybe you will think twice before telling your kids to soldier on when they say they can’t. I look back and feel great sadness when I recall how often times I missed out on that opportunity with mine.
*Soldiering on is a critical ingredient for us to get good at if we are going to overcome life challenges and build resilience. However, it is not the only critical ingredient. Trusting ourselves to make the right decision is another skill that requires building up, just like soldiering on does. Finding loving compassion for ourselves when things are hard is not stressed enough to many of us when we are children. Giving ourselves permission to shelter as an act of loving kindness and compassion for ourselves I believe is also a critical ingredient in developing courage and wisdom.*
It requires constant practice to maintain this way of being.
Monday night’s decision to shelter was a recommitment of my dedication to myself and my highest being.
I’m happy to share that I emerged from shelter and have figured out some of what I was affected by.
Clarity never fails to allow me to move forward with strength.
We will never know exactly why we feel a certain way at a certain time. But it helps to be able to connect as many dots as we can to understand our life and ourselves.
Who knows what I was grieving last week? Was it from my present life, or a life I had before? We suffer so many traumas, disappointments and losses in life. But we have to keep moving on. I’m sure in our daily hustle we fail to grieve them all and at some point they just pile up and demand to be recognized.
At such a time in your life, it is my sincere hope that you will consider sheltering instead of pushing through.
Only you can give yourself the permission to do so.
Until next time,
Moving forwards,
Sunita